It would appear that historians deliberately discriminate against the more important of China's legendary characters, They are at pains to.tell us what Li Po thought to himself when he found that the lift wasn't running (see The Steep Road to Hsu), They busy themselves shed a tear of compassion directly upon the somewhat cracked countenance of the heroine of that engrossing romance. The lovely Yang Kuei Fei has been sung times without number, But what of the unhappy fate of the beautiful Ab Shoeza Pippin? What of the Legend of The Soochow Bathtub? Fortunate indeed are we, to have stumbled upon the manuscript of the scholarly Hoo Flung Bunk—from which we now translate freely.
"Upon a day in those halcyon times when people had only just begun to write to the editor about the overcrowding of the trams, the Ristorie court of the Emperor' Ong! 'My Word, in distant So-So, was in complete confusion. 'Though the apple and the plum trees had burgeoned as is their wont, making] the air drowsy with. the' scent of countless blossoms; though many, an exotic bud contributed to the foundation of Messrs Whobegani thriving trade in Vera Vodkaskaya's substitute for soap and water: though the scene was replete with dassie beauty, people ran hither and thither, consternation depicted ty Princess Ah Sheeza Pippin was missing. Not that there was anything extraordinary about her momentary absence from her accustomed place—which was within the hollow of Ong My Word's right arm—tfor the poor thing had to eat once in a while. On this occasion, however, she was nowhere to be found.
"The emperor was clearly dis-fraught, His right arm felt somewhat useless. He bethought him of the evil-looking stranger—who had arrived the day before, bringing with him a receptacle the use of which was deepest mystery. It] had been gauged by the court's sworn measurers, and found to hold, three ounces more than Ong My Word was accustomed to drink at, a single gulp. Tt was capacious enough for a gaol cell; but it was seen that escape would be possible after an hour's struggle. What could the darned thing be used for?" Ong My Word had mused, lapsing for the nonce into the vernacular of his distinguished ancestors. had forthwith summoned the stranger and had closely questioned him.
"The stranger's replies had been evasive. It was clear from the first that he desired to conceal the true import of his mysterious gift. Silently he had pointed to an inscription on the receptacle's edge, dread characters which he alone!
Rates of for The Month of Apple silently had he seized a mango from an attend-and motioning others to ting] the huge bowl, had there devoured the fruit. Leaping high into the air to escape from his prison, he had then vanished 1 puff of amoke, All this, the em: peror had realized, portended good for him and his court. And now Ah Sheeza Pippin was nowhere to be found!
"Came suddenly a eunuch, breath-loss, and prostrating himself before Ong My Word, gasped out his sad tale. The lovely Ah Sheeza Pippin had ordered the gift of the stranger to be borne to her apartments. Long had she pondered on what it might be. Suddenly, a halo was visible about her head. In other" words, the had had an idea. Bidding her! maidens withdraw, but first commanding that a single ewer of water be emptied into the receptacle, she ud somehow managed to get in-Side of it, Here," says Hoo Flung Bunk, "the eunuch paused as.if overcome by horror. He _finaily succeeded in continuing his dis-Jointed recital, "Once in, the fair Ah Sheeza Pippin had'laved herself, and then suddenly recalled that she had left the towel outside on the floor. Her maidens were out of ear-shot, and she knew not that the eunuch was taking it all in through a crack in the partition. Vainly did she struggle to resume an upright posture. The slippery walls of her prison baulked her every attempt, Alternately were her limbs to be seen dangling over the edge while the rest of her lay prone in the ewerful of water, or she was upon her knees, her fingers in an attitude of supplication, barely visible above the edge of the tub. After two! hours of this sort of thing, the eunuch had shattered the door, and hauled out what was left of' her. Would the Emperor kindly come and have a look-see?
"Long gazed the Emperor on her who had been Ah Sheeza Pippi Her once lovely countenance ws scratched beyond recognition, spine twisted into a true lover's knot, and her fect pointed east and west, respectively. Well had Ong My Word felt that the coming of the stranger boded no good. Drawing himself up to his full height of four feet nine, he ordained that she who had been known as Ah Sheeza Pippin, should henceforth go down on the list of qualified voter as Ah Knock Nee, a name symbolic of all those who are doomed to bathe in a Soochow tub, "And so, dear Reade:," concluded Hoo Flung Bunk, "when you sce a diner at the Hotel Palamastic commanding the boy to put three drops of brandy in a Soochow tub, thereafter grasping it in both arms and waving it to and fro beneath his proboscis, think not that ko would assay the quality of the cognac. The chances are that he knows not the difference between this and kerosene. No. He prays that the vapours of
Text read from the printed page and cleaned; old type leaves the occasional error.