According to railway guides, there are 48 states (terra firma) in the American Union, but only one state of mind in each viz., the particular common wealth you happen to be in, 1s the best—there is no worst.
If you are a foreigner, either famous or notorious or only ordinary, sooner or later you will be constrained to express on platform or in local papers your impressions of the country.
A favourite formula is as follows:
First, Idolize American Ideals.
Second, Criticize American Statesmen.
Third, Cauterize American Politicians.
With judicious variations, this will take a foreign visitor to further fame and substantial fortune. (Charge five dollars per seat). Beware of newspaper reporters. Unlike Chinese interpreters who make you say the appropriate word, these '"pencil-pushers" will snatch am unguarded sentence for headlines and have the quondam guest an_ advocate of the latest political fad or the' most impossible occultism.
The way of a returned American citizen is easier by far. All that he has to do is to mount the platform, (or more frequently, rise from his seat after dinner) and tell a short story. It must be short. Here is a specimen, re-told with proper modifications; it may take a candidate to State Legislature, lower house of Congress or even to the U. S. Senate. "An American travelling in the Orient happened to be on an ordinary passenger boat. The fare was one dollar and the usual tip (cumshaw of wine-cash) ten cents. Near the end of the trip the collector took up the tickets and 10 cents from each native passenger. Seeing the foreigner, he demanded 20 cents. The white man felt indignant and said, Why should I pay 20 cents when, everybody else pays. only ten? The collector replied with open palm held out, Say, Mister, ain't it worth ten cents extra to be an American? It was, he got the 20 cents."
Text read from the printed page and cleaned; old type leaves the occasional error.