I was out for a drive, writes a British. wit, tother day in t'country when we came to a water-splash, Well, it looked a bit deep so I stopped t'car and looked round for some one to ask about it.
There was a yokel leaning over a gate near by, so I says to him: "Hi, germless," I says, "How deep's this water?"
He looks at me, takes his pipe out of his mouth and answers, "No more'n three or four inches, sir. You won't get stuck."
Well, that's good enough for me, so I starts up t'car and drive her into t'water splash, but we haven't gone far before t'water creeps up over t'running-board, then in through t'doors and by the time t'engine's conked out halfway through, there's me sitting up to our waists in water, 1 get proper blazing at that and turn round to t'yokel, who's still leaning over tigate, watching us.
"Hey," says I, "what d'you mean by saying there's only three or four inches water—there's more like four feet."
'He takes his pipe out o' his face again, "Can't be," he says. "It only comes half-way up my duck:
Air Raid Shelter Construction Cottect sections of shelter and push them through kitchen window into garden, Collect sections of kitchen window.
Remove jacket. Dig deep hole in garden for shelter. Exhume very old, dead cat.
Separate very old, dead cat from very live, young whippet. Replace cat, fill in hole and start digging somewhere else.
Warn whippet not to interfere. Keeping whippet away with left foot, continue digging.
Tell little Albert to blow his nose. Continue digging.
Advise little Albert to give his nose a good blow. Continue digging.
Give littlé>Albert's nose a good blow yourself. Resume digging.
Sit down and wait for dizzy spell to pass. Suggest to little Albert that he might do a little digging himself, if it's not asking too much.
Tell little Albert to be careful where he's throwing the earth.
Tell little Albert, No, he can't be a gravedigger when he grows up—daddy wants him to go straight into the Foreign Legion.
Take spade from little Albert, Take chewing-gum from handle of spade.
Step into hole and ask little "Albert to hand you down sections of shelter, one at a time.
Using flat side of spade, correct little Albert's a of handing things down. Attend to nasty flesh wound in forehead.
Supporting sections of shelter, send little Albert for spanner.
Send wife for little Albert.
Snatch spanner from little Albert, Start assembling shelter.
Tell little Albert to hold whippet. Continue assembling, Tell whippet to hold little Albert.
Bolt sections firmly together. Unbolt sections and release whippet.
Reassemble. Consider little Albert's suggestion that the whole thing is upside down.
Turn little Albert upside down to even things r shelter with eighteen inches of soil. Uncover shelter and recover jacket. Recover shelter.
Shut little Albert and whippet in shelter. Borrow bomb, Shut bomb in shelter with little Albert and whippet.
Go out and have one.
—George Formby in the "Sunday Express."
Text read from the printed page and cleaned; old type leaves the occasional error.