Such Goings On 2 Lite Georgie, with a grin, Filled the teapot up with gin.
The vicar, who'd; dropped in to chat, Tottered out in Auntie's hat...
"It's Only An Advert"? x etna Butmey, Fred—I see as ow the human body, sweats more'n a pint a day.
Gahn! Arry. Where'd you read that?
Ere look, Fred—in today's paper.
Why, 'Arry—you' wonna take no notice o that....it's only.an advert, Smaller Bill 1 was out shopping with my wife the other day, when she stopped to look at t'window of a -hat-shop.
"Look," she sad, "isn't that a duck of a hat?"
"Aye," I replied, looking at t'price-ticket, Td rather have a duck with a smaller Coa Jamie veer om out Smart Animal I, was down at t'local last night, having a quiet gill all by myself, and I got talking to t'chap sitting next to me. Now this fellow had a very intelligent-looking dog with him, and I happened to remark about it.
"Aye, he's intelligent all right," said: t'chap. "Why, if you give this dog a shilling and tell him to get an evening paper, he'll bring you back the evening paper and eleven pence change. You try him."
Well, I'm always ready to take a chance, so I gave the dog a bob and told him to run out and get me an evening paper. Cee, you should have sen yon animal dash out of t'door with my bob!
After about half an hour I began to get a anxious like, because there was no sign of "Here," says I to the owner, "how about my evening paper and my eleven pence change?"
The fellow scratches his head.
"S'funny," he says, "but it's the first time Rover has ever done this. Come on, we'll go and look for him."
Well, we wander about streets, looking for Rover till we're well-nigh ready to drop; and then, all of a sudden, we come across t'dog sitting outside a butcher's shop and chewing a "great lump of raw steak!
"That's funny," says t'chap. "That's the first time Rover's ever done this'
"Aye," says I. "It's the first time he's had the money."
Dialling T. U. M.
"Butte, Is that my stomach?"
"Your stomach speaking."
"How do you account for this cold?"
What cold?"
"Do you mean to say I can have a cold without your knowledge?"
"If it remains in your head how should I know anything about it?"
"You're only about two feet away from my head and you must have noticed that we have been lying in bed rather late,"
"The only clue I had was that the whisky has been coming down hot instead of cold."
"Do you like it that way?"
"Not so bad,"
"Would you like some more?"
"Thank you" att "It seems that I have the cold and you have all the fun,"
"It's usually the other way round, You have all the fun and I have all the hang overs,"
"Nevertheless, I don't think it's fair that my head should feel like a lump of boiled pudding while you sit back glowing with health and enjoying hot whiskey."
"Glowing with health is a gross exaggeration, I can't remember feeling like that for twenty years."
"Lately I have been doing my best for you. I have been walking miles before breakfast...
"How many miles?"
"Never mind how many. And I have been giving you regular meals. And all I get is a cold."
"Well, its not my fault."
"Stomachs are supposed to be responsible for all complaints."
"Stomachs are responsible for nothing."
"You might at least show' a little sympathy for my head."
"I have enough troubles of my own. Besides, I don't know your head."
"Do you mean to say you won't speak to my head until you have been introduced?"
"I believe that is the usual custom."
"That's fantastically British of you."
"I am a British stomach."
Would you like an introduction to my head "Not while he has cold."
"Can I do anything else for you?" "Perhaps another hot drink would come down nicely."
"All right. Here it comes. Cheers." "Cheers."
—Gubbins in the "Sunday Express."
Text read from the printed page and cleaned; old type leaves the occasional error.