Minister (to member of congregation)—"Why won't you come to church now?"
Member of Congregation—"For three reasons, Firstly, I dinna like your theology; secondly, I dinna like your singing'; thirdly, it was in your kirk I first met my wife."
First Time "Loox here," said the man who dashed into the horse dealer's place, "you remember that horse you sold me last week?"
"Well, what about im?" replied the dealer aggressively.
"He fell down dead yesterday."
"Well I never," said the surprised dealer. "I told you 'e ad some funny tricks, but, pon my word, I never knew im do that before."
The Women IN our opinion there is nothing in the world so frightening as a woman.....unless you include moths, spiders and snakes, writes Nat Gubbins in the "Sunday Express"
For some reason we are unable to explain, we never feel quite comfortable in the presence of women. Under their penetrating gaze we always feel slightly guilty and find ourselves either apologizing for something we haven't done or making wild, boastful statements, rather like a small boy who is trying to hide his terror of the school bully.
When women are round we are never at our ease. We are always on parade. That is one of the many reasons why we are frequently dropping into bars. We want to hear masculine voices, and even if we have to listen to dirty little jokes we prefer it to the conversation of intelligent women.
With our own kind we are equals and buddies, but with women we are on our guard, as if we were in the presence of a crafty and ruthless enemy. So when the bars we drop into are full of women, we spend a miserable evening.
As no woman has ever done us any harm, we can't think why this should be so. We can only imagine it is one of Nature's protective devices, like the power of the chameleon to change its colour when in danger.
In any case, we only brought the matter up because we read about Katharine Hepburn terrifying a burglar who was going through her jewel box.
She buist in on him, her eyes wild, her red hair waving, and shouted, "What the hell are you doing here?" He took one look at her and We only wish to record our deep sympathy for the burglar, because we are terrified of Katharine Hepburn when she is 6,000 miles away and we can only see her likeness on the screen.
Fishing With Little Albert Cnoose shady spot on river bank. Prepare expensive new rod and line. Tell little Albert and whippet to keep in background and no larking about.
Search basket for bait. Find none. Assisted by little Albert and whippet, start digging for worms.
Separate well-nourished worm from whippet.
Bait hook. Tell little Albert to watch what I'm doing so he'll know how to do it himself.
Cast line into water. Fail to hold on to expensive new rod, which goes in too, Remove smirk from little Albert's face with back of hand.
Send whippet into river to retrieve rod:
Watch whippet returning expensive new rod to complete stranger on opposite bank.
Rig up new rod from branch of tree and string.
While waiting for bite, explain to little Albert the difference between this kind of fishing and fly-fishing.
Ignore little Albert's query: "Why fish for flies when you can use fly-papers?"
Persuade little Albert to sit down in bed of nettles, While waiting for bite, watch boatload of blondes drifting down stream.
Teli little Albert to spread out lunch, Still waiting for bite, watch little Albert's new cap drifting downstream, Spread out little Albert.
Observe whippet scrambling ashore with large fish in its mouth.
Tell little Albert to get fish from whippet. Start eating hearty lunch.
After several mouthfuls, discover that little Albert has wrapped up bait in same paper as sandwiches.
Observe whippet trying to pull little Albert into river at the end of the fish, Run and help whippet.
Text read from the printed page and cleaned; old type leaves the occasional error.