"This warr is a gr-rear strain on me, finnissy," said Mr. Dooley. "TI lay awake at nights considering' th' death an' destruction, that is gain' forward behind th' veil that th' Press censors have drawn across th' fair face iv Kor-rea."
"Rwhat is ing there, anyhow?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Do ye think th' Rooshians is beat?"
"There are divargint opinions on th' pint," replied Mr. Dooley. "Let us first consider th' message iv th' speshul corryspondint iv th' 'New York Trumpet.' He cables as follows Mujiksden, Choosday. 'Th' Rooshian arms is reported to be ivrywhere victorious, Fresh troops is arriving at th' rate iv ten thousand @ minit. 'They ar-re crossing' Lake Bakeall in ballans, wich th' generals have inflated wi' hot' air, There is fooa we waste, an' th' weather is most salubrious. Admiral Alecthief has occupied Scowl wi' th' mounted marines. He has sunk two Pickford vans in th' contre iv th' main street, an' Llocked th fairway. 'Th' Korrean Imperor is lear-raing "Holy Rooshia* on concertina an' dbrinkin' vodkee wi? th' first luftenant, *Gineral Crow-pat sin, in a spesbul iner-view thut he wrote himself, tells me he is confident iv victory. am going w Tokyo," says th' general, " if 1 have to swim there, Av present mo pen is mightier tan me sword, but in about tin years' time 1 shall huve th' Mekado by th' short hairs. Ye can bet y'r expense account on that,"* he says. "ivrything ye read that is not written by myself is lies. 1 am th' George Washington iv this campaign. I've nawthing again ould Alecthief save that he's ilathead that 1'¢ like to drop in a bunker an' play out wi' a niblick. Whin danger threatens let us sink our privit animosities, and hammer th' inimy. I refuse to be interviewed again till after lunch, whin I snail be prepared to spoke more intimately about myself. Long live Rooshia. Long live Crow-pat sin,""
"*I can't cable yo no more at prising,' resumes the " pet." representative, P "The onnly accom: modation I can kindly sot aside f'r th uso iv corryspondionts at th' frat, is below ground," ses th' general, 'An' now me candle's gone out. 'Th' Press censor, who has been standing over me w' a club, says that me work is most sathisfact'ry. As a mark iv speshul favour the weight iv me log irons has been reduced to fourteen "If th' Rooshians threat th' paper men like that, they-re done," said Mr, Hennessy, with conviction, "Your reasoning is instructive but inconclusive," said Mr. Dooley. "Let us turm to th' statements iv th' corryspodint iv th'—Reflector.'
'Tokyo, Wednesday. I am in a position to give ye fall dothails iv th' Japanese moveminfs on th' main land. Arr-mies have landed at Hangyou, Tellemso, Tellemanother, Ping Pong, Sing Song, and Li Hi. They are marching rapidly in several directions. Th' Rooshians have taken to "Tam sitting here in a cage along wi' th', flour iv th' corryspondints from th' leadin® peapers iv th? wurslld. "Tis society, but unexciting'. We hope to be leavin' fr th' front by next year at latest. No more at prising as th? censor has threatened to commit suicthide if I don't sthop writing.' th' noos fwhat's th' good in fighting'? said Mr. Hennessy.
"Ye are right, Hennessy," said Mr. Dooley. "'Th' Press censor is more like to give peace to th' ould wurrld than all th' societies an' arbitration treaties that was iver invented."—" Bangkok Times."*
Text read from the printed page and cleaned; old type leaves the occasional error.