A RAILROAD agent in Africa had been "bawled out" for doing things without orders from headquarters.
One day his boss received the following startling telegram:
"Tiger on platform eating conductor, Wire instructions."
The Precisian Ir is reported of a bull elephant belong to the Maharajah of Mursan that, enraged because its meals did not arrive punctually, it threw its keeper over a fence, broke its chain, uprooted the tree to which it was tethered, pulled down every telegraph wire in the vicinity, and hurled aside everyone who crossed its path as it rushed into the jungle.
Home was never quite like this. em Christmas Gifts "Tae Times" was unlucky enough to trip up recently with the first of the undertakers' advertisements, which commonly follow the In Memoriam notices on the front page. Two different advertisements must have got mixed up, as the following is what actually appeared:
Druce of Baker Street, London.—Munerals and Cremations personally conducted by Mr. Kingsley (late of Shoolbreds). Private Chapel, Memorials erected. Valuations for Probate. Welbeck 8254, A Practical Christmas Gift that is sure of Appreciation, Mrs. Sparrow's Secret Tue Sparrow was late home again. His wife was sitting in the corner of the Nest knitting and sniffing.
"Hullo," said The Sparrow. "Got a cold?"
No," said his wife.
"Then what are you snuffling about?" ask The Sparrow.
"Nothing," said his wit 'When you say 'Nothing' in that tone voice it means I have committed a crime, said The Sparrow. "What have I done now?"
"Nothing," said his wife.
Perhaps it's something I haven't done?" said The Sparrow. "It's either something I've done wrong or have forgotten to do at all, Which is it?" faither," said his wife.
Then for the love of-mike, what are you ying for?" shouted The Sparrow.
crying because I'm) happy," said his wife. said The Sparrow. "So you're crying because you're happy, are you? What do you do when you're unhappy? Laugh like a fool?"
"You don't understand," said his wife, "Helluva chance I've got of understanding when you sit around snivelling because you're happy," said The Sparrow. "I might as well live in a lunatic asylum. What's on your mind, anyway?"
"Tve got a secret," whispered his wife, ben@+ ing her head over her knitting "Tve got arse ye got a secret," chanted cure just like a great big You haven't even asked me what it is,"
his wife.
"Well, what is it?" snàpped The Sparrow.
"We're going to have some more eggs," said his wife. said The Sparrow.
you glad?" asked his wife.
shouted The Sparrow. "Glad? I'm so glad I could break your neck out of sheer exuberance."
"Oh," sobbed his wife.
"Glad?" went on The Sparrow hysterically. "Of course I'm: glad. Don't I love getting up early in the morning to.look for more worms? Don't I love to have more little mouths to feed, more little "squawking nuisances cluttering up the Nest?"
"You're cruel," whimpered his wife.
"And I suppose," sneered The Sparrow, "those are tiny garments ickle wife-amt muvyer-to-be is knitting?"
"You ought to have more sympathy," said his wife, breaking into fresh sobs. "You know this is a funny time for me."
"You're funny at any time," said The Spa row. "And what are you howling for now?
"Because I'm unhappy," wailed his wife.
"I thought so," said The Sparrow as he flew "Let me know when you're neither ped byt just dull and dissatisfied and normally stupid and Til come back.""—Gubbins in the "Sunday Express.
Text read from the printed page and cleaned; old type leaves the occasional error.