Mr. Johnson was a very nice man, and a popular one in the village, but was unfortunately much addicted to drink. He had a number of very good friends who were very distressed at the way he was going, and at last they decided to have a serious talk with him. Unhappily, however, this had no effect on his Subsequent behaviour, and they gave him up as hopeless.
Then, one day, one of them heard that Mr. Johnson had agreed to sign the pledge. He met Mrs. Johnson out walking, and said:
"Tm so glad to hear that your husband has signed the pledge."
"Yes, isn't it good replied Mrs. Johnson, with a broad smile; "and now I'm just taking these lizards back to the shop to see if they'll exchange them for a parrot."
The Worm's Night Out 5.30 p.m.—Worm at office horrified to hear from hall porter that Blistered Blonde has called for him. In panic Worm tells hall porter to tell Blistered Blonde he is out. Hall porter says he has already told Blistered Blonde Worm te in: Hall porter, with wink at giggling staff, says he felt sure that a gentleman like Worm would never wish to deceive a lady. Specially such a nice, jolly lady, adds hall porter.
532 pm.—Blistered Blonde, following on porter's heels, bursts into office and says strike her pink if it isn't her old shipmate Cap'n Worm, and what about coming round to her bachelor flat for the dregs out of the bottle and a hunt round the larder to see what the mice have left? Several members of staff snigger at this, and Blistered Blonde explains she is not kidnapping Worm from his old lawful wedded, as there will be plenty of sporty girls and tellers there and no hanky"panky.
535 pum.—Despite protests that he is busy, embarrassed Worm is hauled off by Blistered Blonde in her fourth hand baby car.
6 pm—Bachelor flat crammed with sport girls and fellers, who loudly cheer arrival of popular Worm. Sporty girls offer him drinks 4 and the fellers get him into corners and tell him funny stories, Worm says he must ring up Wife. Howls of laughter.
7 pm.—Party warming up. Games organized and fellers asked to lift sporty girls and judge their weight. Worm, staggering under weight of Blistered Blonde, gallantly guesses seven stone. Blistered Blonde, kissing Worm, says he is wicked flatterer and such men are dangerous. Conscience-stricken Worm says he must ring up wife. Iron ring of fellers guard telephone.
8 pm.—Party getting warmer. Fellers asked to judge prettiest ankle, Blistered Blonde, lifting skirt, does high kick under Worm's nose and hisses, "Hotcha, hot cha." Blushing Worm, anxious to flee from modern Babylon, says he really must ring up wife. Sporty, laughing girls draw him from telephone.
9 p.m.—Worm recklessly changes from bottled beer to cooking sherry and offers to give farmyard imitations. Worm soon has whole party grunting, squeaking and moo-ing. Fired by another cooking sherry, Worm gives imitations of cork being drawn out of bottle, Donald Duck and Napoleon.
10 pm.—Worm says again he really must ring up wife. Blistered Blonde says if Worm mentions wife again she will ring up old ball and chain herself. Terrified Worm has another sherry and wildly suggests game of strip poker.
Midnight.—Blistered Blonde says she is going to take poor little Worm back to old trouble and strife. Worm protests he can take himself back. Whole party say very solemnly that Worm is sport and must be looked after. Whole ay they will all take Worm back. Whole climb into their cars and drive to Worm's Avenue.
1215 am.—Whole party arrive at Worm's house. Worm has forgotten key. Blistered Blonde grabs knocker and bangs pom-tiddley-om-pom on the door. After lot more banging and shouting "We've brought the body home," Worm's wife in curlers opens door. Whole party, led by Blistered Blonde, sing "Little Old Lady" and depart with screaming gears—By N. Gubbins in the "Sunday Express."
Text read from the printed page and cleaned; old type leaves the occasional error.