As Long As There's Something Joun—i Susie—"N i. Dont grumble Even if it's only a cold it's something."
Not Dead Yet Tue orderly officer was annoyed because he'd given Private Slogg leave to go to his mother-in-law's funeral. And now he'd learned the old lady wasn't dead. He demanded explanation.
"Sorry, sir," said the private, "but I didn't say the wife's mother was dead. I just said I'd like to go to her funeral."
Wise Child Tue tram was crowded and an old man with a kindly twinkle in his eye took five-year-old Tommy on his lap. "This will be better than standing, won't it, my boy?" he suggested.
"Yes," said Tommy rather reluctantly, for he had enjoyed lurching about the car.
"But you want to be careful I don't pick your pocket," the old man said in a whisper.
"Can't," Tommy retorted. "As soon as I saw you lookin' at me I put my penny in my mouth."
Turning the Cheek Teacuer had been talking with great solemnity on the theory of turning the other cheek. At the finish, she said: "Now, to see if you'v followed my words, I'll ask a few questions She fixed her eyes on little Billy Sloggins, "What would you do, Billy, if Tommy Meek struck you on the right chee "Do?" said Billy. "Why miss, I'd feint with the right, jab him under the jaw with the left, tap is claret, black is peepers, put the arf: nelson on im, an' sell is remains for cat's meat. That's al Like Father Like Son A BOOKMAKER who was taken suddenly ill sent his small son to a street where several doctors lived bidding him tell a certain doctor to come at once. A different physician having arrived, the bookmaker asked his son to explain. "Well, you see, dad," he said, "there were a lot of brass plates on the doors, and when I got to the house you told me, I saw 'Consultations 11 to 12,' But the chap next door was offering consultations 10 to 1' and I knew you'd like the chap that gave the best odds."
Letter from an Aurt Your Uncle Fred has now started to make bombs out of bottles to set German tanks on fire, so I have a feeling that Emily will be leaving us soon—one exploded in the garden just when Emily was trying to get forty winks in the hammock and another was found in the cocktail cabinet when Emily went there for a brandy during an air raid—the maid thought it was a new kind of drink and had put it there by mistake.
Florrie came round to tea and refused to tell us anything for once—when we asked her if she knew anything she looked very mysterious and stared out of the window humming a tune—ot course, this frightened Emily more than ever and we had another scene with Emily on the divan sniffing smelling salts and moaning.
People are now saying things openly about poor darling Porgy—only the other day a woman stopped me in the street and asked how much meat he ate a week—when I told her to mind her own business she said I was Fifth Column and this annoyed your Uncle Fred' so much that he slapped her husband's face—at least we thought he was her husband, though it turned out that he was just one of those nosey people listening to conversations—then poor darling Porgy bit the woman and a special constable took everybody's name and said your Uncle Fred would be summoned for assault.
Your Uncle Fred has got his gun back from the police again, and spends his evenings shooting at Emily's dugout and attacking it with his bottle bombs—he pretends it is an enemy strong point—as you might expect, the neigh-hours are furious, and; as Emily says, she might as well be in the front line.
Another member of the Whist Club has been asked to resign because she bought some Italian lace in town—if this sort of thing goes on they won't have any members left.
The gardener called us a lot of parasites again yesterday—Emily still thinks he will murder us all one night.
Your -loving Aunt Maud.
—Nat, Gubbins, in the "Sunday Express,"
Text read from the printed page and cleaned; old type leaves the occasional error.