Aw Aberdonian visits the Riding Academy and says to the man in charge:
"Tm gaun oot riding' in the morn so I'd like "Certainly, sir. Any particular kind?" be a long one."
Ye see, there's eight o us in the Gor Blimey!
Sin Edwin Lutyens, new president of the Royal Academy, is responsible for having passed this story on to Archbishop Downey, of Liverpool, who has been passing it on.
A man was knocked down by a taxi and taken East-end hospital.
When he recovered consciousness he asked the nurse: "Have I been brought in here to die?" "No," she replied, "Yesterdie."
A Good Cause A RICH supporter of a poor little football club wanted to show his appreciation in some way or another so he gave the treasurer £100, saying "Here's a hundred pounds. Spend it on new boots and jerseys or on anything else that will help you to win matches."
Imagine his surprise when he went to watch the team play on the following Saturday when they came out in the same old i ys and boots.
After the match he said to the treasurer, "What did you do with that hundred quid? thought you were going to buy new boots and jerseys with it Remarked the treasure a notable victory for the team, "You said spend it on anything that will help you to win', so we've given it to the referee.
Smiles in Court "Have you ever seen the prisoner at the bar? asked the Judge, in another case.
es, that's where I met him," explained the witness, In another case the Magistrate said sternly:—"Fifty shillings or 14 days!"
il take the money if you don't mind, your worship," said the prisoner.
Mrs. Brannigan stood in the dock charged with insulting behaviour towards her neighbour, Mrs. Murphy.
"And what," asked the Magistrate of Mrs. Murphy, "did the defendant call you?"
"She called me a common creature, yer hon-said Mrs. Murphy.
"You're a liar!" screamed Mrs. Brannigan from the dock, "Quiet!" thundered the Magistrate.
"But, yer worship," went on Mrs. Brannigan, "it is a lie. I merely called her a frosty-faced, ugly, knock-kneed daughter of Satan. I never mentioned that she was a common creature."
Gramfer's Clock Tue following verses have been sent in by a lady reader who wishes to remain anonymous, "Somepopy's been and touched my clock!" Exclaimed the old man of the tribe. And the clock was taboo, Which they all of them knew.
And yet it had ceased to strike!
Gathered together a goodly crew He bent on each one his dim eye. On his daughter-in-law, Who promptly said:—"Pshaw And on aunt, who whimpered:—'Not I!"
Then accusingly glared at hi son called Jve Who denied his mute charz> w While Jane said:—"Oh, Sramfer, You are in a temper Jr ain't you? Just look at your fas But one had touched it, T'was master John And he guiltily creaked with his chair. still, with a bland brow Te stoutly said:—"No."
Sor it was three weeks ago or more. baffled was gramfer by shaking heads And denials from everyone.
He started at the cat.
The cat did not bat An eyelid—it sneezed at him! ramfer at last, near the end of his wits, His eyeballs he balefully rolled.
S'en the baby, I fear, Came in for a share Of suspicion—and promptly it squalled! "Somebody's been and touched my clock. They've meddled and spoiled the works, It's stopped and won't go Neither fast nor slow.
Now who's been up to such tricks?"
He questioned in vain. He threatened in vain. They sniggerd and grinned. And at that He whet out and came back With a sleek little chap And told him examine the clock.
Now the seven suspects were ranged in a row By order of their old man accuser.
Then the sleek little chap Gave a glance at the clock And....just wound it up! Oh, Gramfer!1
Text read from the printed page and cleaned; old type leaves the occasional error.