Motorist: In addition to driving a car for 30 years, I used to ride to school on my bike.
Bussan: I offered my wife a home during the Crisis, but she said she would rather have the Crisis.
Wife: My husband usually drives very carefully, but when he sees a policeman he tries to show off.
Abbot's Snorting News "Cissy," said Miss Lusy Firkin to Miss Scythe, "do "ce tell Oi, vower pigs sake, whey thee slapped Ted Hoe's face in Lolloper's Lane."
"Ar," said Miss Scythe, "an" whey should El tell thee, Luce?"
"Oh, Cissy, there be so much garssip Oi be Well p'raps Ted kissed Oi without moi leave...
"Eel"
"Or p'raps Ted didden kiss Oi when Oi expected it, and then said "That's vower bein' such a danged middle tease!'"
mA lull dee!" grabbed Oi in t' Hed said Do Ri gie ea "Or," said Miss Scythe tensely, "p'raj
blushing scarlet, A my, oh may!" said Mis ey Firkii vower owd tairnes sakel'"
"Ta-ake thi pick," said Miss Scythe, 8 Quick Work A piner, highly indignant, called the proprie-for of the restaurant to his table, "My overcoat has been stolen," he declared. "I demand—"
"One moment, sir," interrupted the proprietor, placatingly. "Would you mind telling me exactly how it happened?"
"Well," said the diner, "I put my coat and hat on that hook over there. I turned slowly like this and when I looked round—"
"Oh, for Heaven's sake whats the matter now?" demanded the proprietor.
"What's the matter!" shouted the diner, "Now my hat's gone!"
AUS ow ake Wrong Again Two ladies were attending a concert in the Usher Hall. They looked about them.
Nice building," said one lady, "what style of. architecture is it "Im not quite sure" said the other, "but I think its Reminiscence."
Mrs. Jones: We shall have to invite the Smiths to our wedding anniversary parly, I suppose?
Jones: Certainly. I shall never rest until we get even with them for the rotten time. they gave us at theirs, An amusing incident occurred at a recent forenoon service at Springfield Church, Bishop-briggs. Choosing as his subject for the children "Animals Week" the minister exhibited a bill over the pulpit advertising "Animals Week."
Prior to the beginning of the service and, as the congregation was assembling, a black cat tried on five occasions to enter the church.
Four times it was prevented by two of the elders, who on two occasions dropped the animal over a wall adjoining the building.
Pussy then made another attempt, this time trying a side door, but one of the deacons who was ringing the bell frustrated its efforts.
Abandoning the attempt to enter the church the cat then made its way to a tree within the church grounds, and from there made itself heard with continual mewing during the service.
Text read from the printed page and cleaned; old type leaves the occasional error.